


The Miko's Guide to Yaoi Fanfiction

by orphan_account



Category: InuYasha - A Feudal Fairy Tale
Genre: Don't Examine This Too Closely, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-07-11
Updated: 2005-07-11
Packaged: 2017-11-16 03:36:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/535041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On stage, Kikyou is going to teach the world how to write a good yaoi fanfic, using Bankotsu and Jakotsu as her guinea pigs, in her own... Kikyou-ish way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Miko's Guide to Yaoi Fanfiction

Spot lights and strobe lights, bright lights and dull lights, white lights, black lights, and every other kind of light flew in every which direction, as tens of thousands of yaoi fangirls sat and waited with anticipation. 

 

Oddly enough, in only a few short minutes, the infamous Shinto shrine maiden, Kikyou, was to give the ultimate lesson in writing good yaoi... or, at least the really shiny sign in the lobby said so. Many a fangirl was most intrigued. Maybe it was because they wanted to learn how to write a better yaoi fic, maybe it was because Kikyou was giving the lesson, or who knows? Maybe they were just bored, yet they were glad to get free pens and notebooks to jot down notes, and lucky for them, the room happened to be pretty well-lit. 

 

Whether the fangirl liked her or not, they all stood and let out an uproar of wild cheers when Kikyou appeared from behind the curtain, wearing the most stunning glittery purple dress and matching hair ribbons. It wasn't normal Kikyou attire, but nonetheless, it was quite beautiful... at the moment.

 

"Love," she started out, being interrupted by more and more cheers and fangirly squeals. Only a few minutes of non-stop cheering went on until evil Suikotsu stepped out and told them to shut up. Once the light reflected off his claws, in only the way a creepy, murderous man could make them, Kikyou thanked him nervously and told him to go sit down.

 

She cleared her throat and started over. "As I was saying: True love, said to be the acme of human relationships... and yet, those acme products never did work in those Wiley Coyote cartoons."

 

"Bad pun!" a random fangirl with a tomato in her hand called out.

 

"I know it is." Kikyou smiled and continued with her speech. "Too many bad puns make bad writing."

 

"Don't forget 'Stare into my orbs!' STARE INTO MY ORBS!" said Musou from atop a ladder, as he adjusted the spotlight toward Kikyou's slideshow projector. 

 

"I was going to get to that, be patient."

 

"Ooops, sorry." Musou turned the light back toward Kikyou... though he felt like pissing her off, due to her making him having to wear one of those black 'censored' bar thingies in front of his crotch. She did need the fangirls' undivided attention, but then again, what was a good yaoi teaching section without a hot, naked man around?

 

Once he got the light just right, she continued on.

 

"You see what I'm wearing?" said Kikyou, as three more lights shot upon her dress. The fangirls in front were nearly blinded by the shininess of her sparkly purple gown, so she motioned for them to be turned back down quickly.

 

"That hurt my eyes!!" said one now bitter fangirl and she randomly pulled a basket of rotten vegetables out from under the seat. If there was no point to that literally blinding display, the girl vowed to bombard that sneaky mistress... once the greenish-pink splotches in her vision cleared.

 

"That, girls, is my representation of purple prose." 

 

The crowd broke out into confused banter, which was to be expected, though a tiny bunch in the back seemed to get it and they were jotting it down in their notes. Kikyou motioned for Musou to point the light at the projector now, though he was a bit busy messing with his 'censored' bar. The tip of his manhood hung through the bar, but since this is at a non-pr0n rating, it was, of course, censored in that oversized pixel style, just in case of emergency. The fangirls on his side of the stage cried because it was double-censored.

 

"Good thing I have a Plan B." Kikyou motioned Suikotsu over and had him roll the projector off the stage. A boring slideshow presentation just wasn't going to cut it with Musou around. 

 

The doctor came back out with with Bankotsu and Jakotsu on his tail, after Kikyou issued her code violet. The only way she'd earn her audience's undivided attention was by bringing out the main subjects themselves. Well, only one of them needed to be 'brought out' as it were, but that's not until later.

 

"BAD. PUN."

 

Err... sorry... 

 

"My good friends, Bankotsu and Jakotsu, here are going to show you purple prose in action," said Kikyou, handing each of the boys scripts, as she took a seat on a random stool Suikotsu had left for her. 

 

Clearing his throat... Bankotsu started with the first line. "You want fries with that?"

 

"Mou... aniki, I think you have the wrong script," said Jakotsu, and they both looked at Kikyou. 

 

"Oh, that's 'Lame Clichés' list." Looking clearly embarrassed, Kikyou handed Bankotsu the correct script and took her seat again. 

 

"In Bankotsu's hand is a fanfic written in purple prose. In Jakotsu's hand is a fanfic that's written perfectly okay. Notice the difference."

 

Again, clearing his voice to look professional, the first words he read were 'pour your heart out, damn it' which he figured Renkotsu scribbled on the top at the very last minute. He took one hell of a deep breath, and began his overly dramatic soap opera-y drivel. "Oh, Jakotsu is such a beautiful and fair creature, with the heart and face of an angel."

 

Jakotsu giggled. "Thank you."

 

"We're only acting," said Bankotsu with a blush.

 

"I know, but you sounded so convincing."

 

"Moving right along, gentlemen," said Kikyou, pointing to their scripts. At least they now held the attention of the fangirls.

 

"Right - I don't know how he could ever love that animal InuYasha. What does he see in the orbs of that savage beast!?"

 

"Mou... InuYasha doesn't have boobs!"

 

The entire audience burst out laughing, Jakotsu clearly not getting why or what was meant by 'orbs.' Bankotsu didn't get it either, but the mere thought of InuYasha having boobs delighted him into his own fit of laughter. That would surely delete one hottie off of Jakotsu's stupid list.

 

"My, your mind really is in the gutter," said Kikyou, trying not to laugh herself. "What does 'orbs' make you think of, Jakotsu?"

 

"Round stuff," he responded. 

 

"Why did breasts come to mind?"

 

"Because... there's nothing else round on InuYasha's body I've gotten to see... yet." He smirked.

 

"Shut up, you pervert!" InuYasha randomly blurted out from backstage, though Jakotsu chose to ignore it, and Bankotsu's happy face had suddenly fallen. Always hitting on other men, Jakotsu was.

 

"How about his eyes? Are his eyes round?"

 

"Mou, I guess they are. I like his ears more, though." Jakotsu licked his lips and chuckled a sinister chuckle, taking pleasure in the thought of those said ears covered in InuYasha's blood.

 

Somehow, Bankotsu didn't think he should've been jealous of that, but he was. 

 

"What you like isn't the point," said Renkotsu, walking out on stage with a slightly irritated look on his face. "Hey, why's that light shining on me all of a sudden?"

 

"I wanted to see if your head shines like Kikyou's dress does," said Musou grinning. 

 

"My, would this be an example of bald prose?" asked a rather nerdy looking fangirl, who was already a quarter of the way through her yaoi notebook. The angry fangirl who addressed the first two bad puns eagerly tossed her tomato at the dork.

 

Suddenly, Renkotsu's face scrunched into evil devil form, and an aura of fire wrapped around his body. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU ALL ONCE JAKOTSU'S GAYNESS PISSES ME OFF FARTHER." With that, the insane man stomped off stage, stick-up-the-ass style!

 

"And that, my friends, is an example of fanon Renkotsu," said Kikyou, and a Microsoft Windows "DA-DA!" sound went off, since they were all too cheap to get real fanfare sound effects.

 

"Can I read my part nooow?" said Jakotsu, looking about as bored as the rest of the audience now did.

 

"Go right ahead," said Kikyou, happy to finally get a raise out of her men. 

 

"Bankotsu-no-aniki has always been my best friend, but he's been getting so distant lately. InuYasha sure is cute, but all I have to do is mention his name now, and Bankotsu turns away."

 

"W-what... what does he see in that overbearing youkai... youkai? But, he's not..."

 

Kikyou motioned him along, silently demanding him to just go along with it. "Okay - he's such a bastard, whom I feel such vile, black... mal-yay-vo-lance... for."

 

"Malevolence?"

 

"I think they spelled it wrong."

 

"All right, carry on." 

 

Bankotsu took another deep breath and put his fist to his heart, all dramatic-like and stuff. "Why, it's MY crystal blue pools that Jakotsu should be sinking into!"

 

"Mou... but you don't even own a pool, aniki."

 

Again, the crowd burst into an uncontrollable fit laughter, for reasons neither Bankotsu nor Jakotsu understood. 

 

"That was well done boys, thank you," said Kikyou smiling, as both boys took a bow. For the life of him, Jakotsu didn't understand why he was bowing for a bunch of women, especially loud, obnoxious women who held up fangirly banners with his and Bankotsu's names and faces on it. But then, he remembered the payment for being out here, and bowed again with much more enthusiasm.

 

"Do you think Kikyou-sama will get me a good boyfriend, aniki?" whispered Jakotsu, causing the braided boy to blush in their third bow. Before he could receive an answer, Jakotsu headed quickly off stage, just to have a few women-less minutes to himself. 

 

Kikyou placed a hand on Bankotsu's shoulder. "Jakotsu is going to have a very good boyfriend when this fic is over." She winked and walked off stage, arm-in-arm with Suikotsu, as the regular lights flickered on and the fancy ones flickered off. 

 

That was, after all, only the first act.


End file.
